If you want to learn how to flirt, you may be pleased to learn that there is actually a structure behind it that you can learn and practice. It may seem as if some people have been born with natural skill flirting with women, but I can assure you that at some point they learned what I am about to tell you here, though many may not be able to consciously articulate what it is they are doing when they interact this way with women. Similar to learning how to approach, the emotional state you are in is more important than what you say. Getting good at being a flirt is all about getting into a particular mood and then playing around with a particular style of communication. This communication has a structure to it and once you have mastered a couple of lines, you will be off and running. Just like learning to open conversations with women, lines can be used as a crutch until you feel comfortable ad libbing them. It’s a lot like doing improv.
When you flirt, if you do it with a particular goal in mind, you are going to have a difficult time getting yourself into the right state to do it well. When I flirt with girls, heck… when I flirt with anybody ( it doesn’t have to be sexual) — the only goal I ever have when I am out flirting is to play and ’share some happy’. In order for me to ’share the happy’, my cup needs to be overflowing in the first place. Encouraging a particular emotional state is the subject for another article, but suffice it to say, if I am going to learn how to flirt with women I am going to have to put myself in a talkative, playful mood – flirting is about sharing, and less about trying. Sometimes this will require me to force myself to talk to people to shake off the ‘ring rust’ and force myself to become sociable. Regular chit-chat and pleasantries are a good way to get started. Quick little non committal interactions with ANYONE are good. Saying ‘hey’, asking people for the time getting myself comfortable and acclimating to the social pressure that exists when interacting with strangers. Yeah, Im still sensitive to all that stuff, but I know how to’ step outside of myself’ and put myself out there. This is the same way I warm up to pick up women when Im going barhopping at night. I won’t always wait until Im feeling just right either. Usually I will warm up by throwing out a couple of banter lines without worrying about the outcome. A little game I play with myself is that what I am doing is my job. I like to play host and gradually ramp up my feelings of wanting to make sure everyone around me is feeling good and having a fun time. So for me, being the type of person that I am, my formula for being in the right state to flirt (and approach!) is just a tad below obnoxious, a bit of happy and sociable. Too much happy or too much obnoxious, I find that people start misinterpreting what I am doing. Ill get those looks from people like they can’t tell whether or not I am picking on them – even if there is a big smile on my face. I have a bit of an intimidating look, and it is good for larger guys to take their size into consideration when considering how much energy to bring to the table when interacting with people this way. Even more so during the day, when Im out at a club, its ok to bring a little more energy to the exchange. I often find that I have to subdue or muffle the amount of energy I am feeling like putting out once I get rolling. I start enjoying myself so much that I sometimes get caught up in how much fun I am having. It is important to split your attention when you are flirting to pay attention to the social cues you are getting from the girl you are flirting with.
There are different types of flirting from the overtly sexual to playful teasing. Flirting is almost a form of sarcasm in that you often say one thing and mean the opposite. If you want to know how to indirectly flirt, practice giving compliments with an embedded insult worked into the statement – in a FUN way. ”Wow, you actually look FANTASTIC today!” This is said with a grin and a playful look in your eyes. Flirting differs from sarcasm and condescension in that you often say things that sound like you are lowering someones status, but in reality, you are building it up and communicating the opposite. With sarcasm and being condescending, you will say words that mean something positive, but when you factor in tonality, context and inflection, the meaning because something negative. Personally, I save the sexual flirting for women that I am already sleeping with. Though I may indirectly allude to sex when I flirt, sexual flirting can serve to reduce sexual tension. If I am going to sleep with a girl, I like to keep her guessing as long as humanly possible as to whether or not sex is going to happen. Personally, I feel that flirting in a sexual fashion serves to show your hand a bit too directly. In fact, women will sometimes throw out some sexual banter as a test to see what your reaction is going to be. Guys who get all excited and immediately go sexual fail miserably and appear needy when they do this. The proper answer to tests like this is to bust on the girl for being creepy or any of the other ways girls try to make men appear silly when they approach. Do this in a lighthearted, happy manner and you display wit and social competence.
If you have made it this far down the article, you desirve a reward. Here it is – the meat and potatoes of how to flirt with a girl. Go and read my post about banter lines. Banter is the magic element that turns regular conversation into a flirtatious exchange. All you have to do is throw out a line or two of banter and then all of a sudden the nature of the interaction changes. Properly delivered, banter lines and flirting convey many things. First off, flirting shows high social status. It is a display of social savvy. It shows confidence and competence. By being comfortable enough to play with words and their meaning you sub communicate that you are relaxed and feel at ease with your surroundings.
Many guys go through great lengths to find good ‘lines’ they can use to meet women. As I said before, with both approaching and flirting with a woman it’s not so much the content of what you are saying as it is the feelings that are going on underneath them. To learn how to flirt with women, take one or two banter lines and use them over and over again. Just like a comedian perfects their delivery by continuous repetition, so to will you get good at flirting by using the same line several times over. At first, it will probably be enough just to say them if you aren’t comfortable talking to women in this way. The sooner you begin to pay attention to the reactions you are receiving and heeding social feedback, the quicker you will get good at flirting.
You should be forewarned that this is a form of social intelligence. You need to keep in mind that most good looking women will have been dealing with this sort of play for several years and will have much more skill at this sort of thing than you may expect. You should know that often times they will quickly return fire with some form of sarcastic comment themselves. Sometimes it will be a playful test to see if you are able to keep your cool when they deliver a borderline nasty line. A good rule of thumb is to always playfully misinterpret anything they are saying or doing as either ‘cute’ or as if what they are doing is trying to pick you up. Also, never apologize. That is, unless it is really called for. A game that many women like to play when they have a man flirting with them is to see if they cant get the guy to supplicate or kiss their butt. It’s often a test to see if the social status you are indirectly conveying is real or a facade. In the pick up community, they often call it a ’shit test’. No matter what, you never let them know you have been rattled. Never loose your cool, become offensive or show that you are upset in any way. If a girl goes too far and is nasty, rather than fight with them, I will either excuse myself from the conversation and move on, or I will turn my back to them for a while as a form of take away. Either way I will not stand for being disrespected.
Banter lines are the basic structure of flirting. Boiled down, what flirting is is a form of role play. When you ‘hit’ with a good banter line, you playfully impose a role on the person you are flirting with. You tease them or make assumptions about some variable and by interacting back with you, they have to assume a particular role or social position. As I said before, it can be of a sexual nature or just about anything you happen to feel like playing around with. Good flirting is about spreading good feelings. Period. Babies flirt. Guys flirt with other guys. It doesn’t always have to be about getting into someone’s pants. The reason why flirting is good for picking up women is because of the attraction it builds. Displaying confidence and high social status are vital elements to getting girls -and confidence is always considered a sexy trait.
Do you want to get good at flirting with women? Make a habit of trying to make every one around you feel good. Simple as that. Make no discrimination either, doesn’t matter if it’s a guy if they are old, young, fat, ugly… When you can feel comfortable enough to not let yourself get intimidated by a good looking woman’s looks get in the way of you doing this, you will have the capacity to be an excellent flirt. In the mean time, memorize some banter lines and use them whenever possible. And don’t worry about someone hearing you use the same phrase more than once. Nobody really cares, and if you have ever watched a comedian or hung out with someone who has developed a particular social skill, you will see that many people usually only operate with a few stock phrases that they like to use in certain situations. I am not suggesting that you become a social robot, but for the sake of learning how to flirt with women, it can be really helpful to use a crutch until you start to feel competent enough to free flow.
Another thing about banter lines while I am at it. If you want to know how to flirt over text or SMS, single banter lines are perfect for this! Just make sure to remember that texting and digital media remove several elements of communication – namely tonality, inflection and body language. Its very easy to misinterpret sarcasm and humor over text so when in doubt either pick another line of banter or make sure to use an emoticon after the text. Another thing… do your best not to laugh at your own jokes in person, but when using humor over text -if you want to make sure the woman knows there is joking going on, it is best to out a ‘LOL’ before whatever line you are using.
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